Ploy

Is he just saying this so that I feel sorry for him and forget about last night when he got fucked up and didn't come home?

Bombshell

HE IS NOT HAPPY AND DOESN'T KNOW WHY.

I'm so confused. My life is in tatters and I think he is about to dump me over Christmas. What a shit way to end a shit year.

and now he thinks...

... I am FUCKING nagging him.

What a cunt.

Lauren...

... you were right and wrong.

Yesterday I was pissed off because I had lost out on the only job currently on the market so I was depressed about that and needed some cheering up.

So I went home but Boyfriend was down the pub. Shock, horror. He didn't even come home last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am fucking pissed off

... I can't even begin to explain!!!

Fucking jobless at Christmas

I've just had to phone the Job Centre to see how I sign on to receive JobSeeker's Allowance. I felt disgusting. I am now claiming the same benefit as the scum of society - and the boss is walking around with a Hugo Boss suit, Hermes tie and fucking Prada shoes - the cunt.

Bah humbug.

Various updates

The new Blackberry arrived on Saturday - it's great.

Spurs deserved 3 points on Saturday - I'm not biased, honest.

I hate working. Fact. I still don't have a job although do have a real interview tomorrow at a big firm in London and going home shortly to plan my stunning outfit and hair etc. Hoping I have a male interviewer so I can charm him into giving me the job.

Boyfriend is still behaving himself although I do believe when he went out on Thursday night, he did coke. No firm evidence to convict.

Decorated our Xmas tree on Sunday - I cannot wait to see what's in my stocking ;)

Vodafone, you bunch of c***s

Because I tried to cancel my contract, they kept phoning me to get me back. So I bargained an excellent deal.

Blackberry Storm arriving tomorrow morning, 200 minutes and 1000 texts with the internet for £20 per month. Nice.

Because I am in £200 credit with them, I will only have to pay an extra £40 for the whole year!

TFIF

I'm going to see a recruitment agency today to discuss a job - yes, that's right - there's actually one job out there!!!

Tonight I am going straight home. Boyfriend (who has been very good this week) is on his Xmas party so not sure if I will see him.

Tomorrow I am going to the Spurs v Man Utd game with my Dad - some well needed q.t.

Boyfriend has his son on Saturday, they are going to decorate the Xmas tree which Boyfriend and I bought two weeks ago - it's a real one so the needles are already falling off!!!

Then Sunday I plan to do NOTHING.

Oh and I've asked work if I can leave next week so I don't have to come in during the horrible Christmas period.

I am feeling really Christmassy now so the plan is to get a job by end of Jan!

Unfair redundancy

I've just heard that my firm are employing people for after I leave. Cunts. I will seek legal advice and get a nice christmas payout I think!

"What happened then?"

To cut a long story short:

I laid into him in a very harsh way, told him he has too many problems for me to deal with and he needs to sort his life out. He completely agreed, apologised and promised to change. I said to him you always promise but they are empty so you better deliver otherwise you'll be spending Xmas on your own.

Things seem to be going well since. Fingers crossed that he doesn't slip up.

Spurs v Portsmouth photographs released today

http://www.hampshire.police.uk/Internet/news/releases/Police+investigating+indecent+chanting+at+Portsmouth+v+Tottenham+match+release+photos.htm

Last chance

Pt. II of the conversation...

... will happen tonight

Finally...

... I get through to him.

He doesn't want to carry on being miserable (ha, join the club) but he doesn't know how to make it work.

Awaiting Pt. II of the conversation.

9.12.08 - 11:20

"I don't know what has gone wrong but something has. We don't have fun anymore and we don't seem to enjoy each others company. I hate feeling like this."

Now no answer. I give up.

His phone is on but he's obviously ignored my call.

Still no call or text

... I even tried to call him to see if we could sort something out but he's got his phone off.

I spoke to soon

After my message of happiness this morning, I really did think that things would get better but they haven't. We didn't meet up because he went to the pub, I said I would meet him, so I telephoned him to meet him and he decided to go to his mates.

I went home, packed my stuff and I am sleeping at my parents house. He hasn't called. He won't even go home tonight I bet.

I have absolutely nothing going for me at the moment. Shit relationship, grandparents are very ill, no job.

Hating it.

Is it completely unrealistic to want a man that will take care of me? Am I being too selfish?

I am...

... refusing to go Christmas shopping
... still looking for a job
... confused about men
... desperate for a re-vamp in the hair department
... happy that my boyfriend is watching the Spurs game with me tonight
... wishing the weekend would come quicker
... not feeling like blogging much today
... wearing a slouchy hoodie to work
... loving the tube
... HAPPY

Goodbye NWB

NWB wanted to take me out tonight. I said no. I said I need to sort my head out first before I start seeing anyone else, particularly because I have a Boyfriend. It's just too much for me.

Things seem to getting to me at the moment and I am literally about to break down into tears.

I want my bed. Might call in sick tomorrow and Friday and just enjoy a long weekend - I need to relax.

Despair Gloom Anguish Misery Desolation

My life is falling apart around me.

Boyfriend troubles. Lost my job. No money for Christmas as Vodafone have decided to take extra money out of my account and leave me overdrawn, which was nice.

I am on the verge of a breakdown.

NWB -v- Boyfriend

NWB wants to meet after work tomorrow for drinks. I am so tempted but I think I need to sort my relationship with Boyf out first. Agreed?

Interview #1

It's a telephone interview for a job I don't even want, as it's on a 6 month contract, but I may have to take it. Wish me luck for tomorrow morning.

Piano Recital / Fake friends

I've just watched Condoleezza Rice's piano recital which she performed in front of the Queen. Then watching Ms Rice's body language as the Queen got up to speak to her. Doesn't Queenie ever get bored of people being fake and desperate to impress? Who are her real friends?

More hate: Georgina Baillie

Georgina Baillie could be set to appear in Celebrity Big Brother.

Why would anyone want to see this fat ugly slut?

101: I hate love

Why does it always end up like this?

Welcome to post #100

So my friend emailed me this morning. We were discussing Boyfriend and she said I have three options:

a) put up and shut up
b) tell him and he will change
c) walk away

Hmmm I don't think a or b will work.

I didn't tell her about nwb though.

Oh, and for Lauren, I wanted to mention NWB #2. He is the postman and he is FIT. If I am ever single, I won't be hard up for choice.

Today's outfit

Black long sleeve tight top with buckle feature, showing cleavage and midriff.
Black pleated knee length skirt.
Black knee high socks, so showing a bit flesh there too.
Grey 3" stilletos.

This outfit makes me feel very sexy and I got a lot of attention this morning on my way into work. It's just a shame I am all bunged up.

My sore throat

is getting worse. I am sniffing every 2 minutes and coughing & spluttering everywhere. Now I sound like a man with my lost voice!!!

This weekend...

... is going to be a make or break one I think.

It's Boyfriend and I's anniversary on Thursday so we're going out for a meal and then on Friday, we're going away for the weekend to remote converted barn to spend some q.t. together.

Text message [16.07]

NWB: "What r u up to tonight? I'm open to offers... x"

Telephone call [15.59]

I call him.

BF: "I don't see what the problem is. Are you sure it's not all in your head."

Me: "No it's not."

BF: "Well we'll just speak face to face when you get home".

Me: "Ok then".

BF: "See you later. Bye."

BF hangs up again.

Telephone call [15:49]

Me: "So shall we have a chat then?"

BF: "When?"

Me: "Now if you want."

BF: "I'd rather just ignore it. You can either have a happy boyfriend and a tidy house, or neither."

Me: "Is that an ultimatum?

BF: "Yes."

Me: "I'll have neither then."

BF hangs up.

Pros / Cons

Pros

He's good round the house - he does the washing/cleaning etc
He buys all the food and I don't have to pay anything towards rent/bills
We have a healthy sex life
I love his son and he needs stability in his life

Cons

He takes drugs and drinks too much
His friends are more important to him than I will ever be
He acts like he's single
I don't think he understands me

[Hidden]

There is a hidden problem here. It's Boyfriend. I'm obviously not happy with him. It's our anniversary so basically it's make or break. We are away at the weekend together, if I come away from it feeling unhappy then I will just stop pretending I am enjoying my time with him and be single.

The weekend in a nut shell

Friday: So when Boyfriend stood me up, I decided to go shopping after work - I spent loads - then met NWB for a drink. Which ended up being many drinks and him taking me to get my last train home. We kissed, I don't feel guilty because I've just blocked it out [does that make me a bad person?]. I think he's great, but he's got a girlfriend as well - oh well! Got home at 2 a.m. Boyfriend was pissed as well as he had obviously stayed down the pub so I didn't even feel bad about staying out. We hardly discussed it the next day. NWB is not going to be anything serious and I do have intentions of meeting him again, so let's just see what happens here.

Saturday: I went to Roisin Murphy at Brixton Academy with my sister - what an amazing performance. The place was electric. Then I quickly met NWB for a chat then went to Ministry of Sound SOBER as I was driving - had a wicked night though. Home at 5 a.m.

Sunday: Back to London for a shopping session. Bought Boyfriend a c.p. hat and ralphy polo top for our anniversary on Thursday - and got myself a Juicy top and Diesel top, spent loads but well worth it. I met Jason Bradbury (who presents the Gadget Show), he was pretty cool. Then last night, I realised that I had been partying, screaming and drinking all weekend and I've lost my voice and have a terrible cold.

Monday: The blues have kicked in.

Will he get dumped? Am I that brave?

He's mugged a night in London with me, for a night down the pub playing darts. I've had enough.

Thank fuck for chocolate

Several angry issues

First off. Some rude girl started giving it to me for no apparent reason at lunch today.

Secondly. Boyfriend "doesn't feel like" meeting me from work now.

Thirdly. I have no fucking job.

I am a raging ball of fury waiting to explode!

NWB

Phoned me, emailed me and text me.

Last night's break down

So it happened in this order:

1. I found out that two women at work are pregnant, and I felt my heart sink. I do NOT want to be around pregnant people - thank god I've been made redundant.

2. I looked in the mirror and there was some sort of old haggered monster with no-make up, bags under her eyes and a depressed expression staring back at me.

3. Boyfriend's son was talking about how much his mummy loved his daddy and that she cried all the time. I have no sympathy for her, but the thought that another woman has so much control and effect over Boyfriend's life really FUCKS me off.

Background: Boyfriend had one night stand with some TRAMP, then months later he found out he had a 8 month old son, tests confirmed he was his, they've never had a relationship although she believes that she is "in love" because he is probably the best thing that has ever happened to her. She is a skank living in council accommodation and can't take care of her son. She is a slapper and loves putting it about. I've never met her and don't want to. I got with Boyfriend when son was 3. When I had miscarriage she loved it. God I hate her.

Fridaysssssssssssssssss

I love them. Woke up this morning next to my naked Boyfriend and his cute son. Had lots of cuddles before I left for work. Plus it's dress down day on Fridays in the office and I'm late in after I stuffed a fried egg sandwich and a cup of tea down my neck. I cannot wait until "home time".

My weekend plans

Post restaurant in town, and cocktails, tonight.

Concert tomorrow. Will reveal who in my review next week.

Spurs on Sunday.

What a weekend!

NWB is back.

Him: Half 7 so gotta wait about till then x

Me: I have to go and see my parents and grandparents tonight as they are all quite poorly, and have a bit of work to do - going to sort out my CV and got a few emails to send. All pretty... actually, very boring! What time is your appointment?

Him: What you up to tonight?

Me: Oh dear - that's not good at all! I'm very well thank you. I'm starting to look forward to the weekend now, so I'm getting pretty excited.

Him: Has been good, apart from this morning and tonight. Had to go to the clinic this morning and gotta have an MRI scan tonight just behind your office. Somethings really not right with my back!! How about you littlen?

Me: Good afternoon. How has your day been Mr *****?

He fucked my mouth so hard...

... that it's still hurting.

Orgasm was out of this world.

Various crap...

Naughty Work Boy has not been on the scene today.

Boyfriend is going out to watch football tonight. Joy. I will have to 'look after' a drunk fool. Either that or he'll be coked up.

Visited an rectruitment agency - made me feel sad as I have just realised I have no idea what job I want and time is ticking. I need to start my CV from scratch as it's shit.

Oh and I've got a telephone interview for a job that I don't even want!

NWB

Naughty Work Boy is insisting we meet this weekend. I am seriously tempted.

Lauren

http://laurengemma1985.blogspot.com/

What an excellent blog!

FOR THE ATTENTION OF... JOURNALIST BOY

Did you manage to track down my blog?

Am I being manipulated?

I read this article, (source below) and I relate to the following: 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 8 and 9. Oh dear!!!


1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself and ask yourself, 'Am I too sensitive?' a dozen times a day.
2. You are always apologising to your mother, father, boyfriend or boss and wonder frequently if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
3. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
4. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behaviour to friends and family.
5. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
6. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and have trouble making simple decisions.
7. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.
8. You have a sense that you used to be a very different person.
9. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
10. You find yourself furious with people you've always got along with before.

Source: http://style.uk.msn.com/sexandrelationships/datingadvice/article.aspx?cp-documentid=7320309

Ok..... sex last night...

... was good but I wanted it to last longer. It was about 45 mins though, I just needed to be completely satisfied. Thank god for Ann Summers.

Oh. Gosh.

Now I am thinking about girls.

SEXXXXXXXXXXX

I haven't blogged about sex in a while, but today I feel the need. I am so horny today. I am finding myself fantasising about another man. I see him in the office occasionally and recently he's started emailing me. He clearly wants me but I can't stop thinking about him.

I am fantasising about meeting him. Because we hardly know each other (and I am about to change jobs!) I really want to get him alone and fuck his brains out.

I imagine his cock to be large and wide and entering my tight wet pussy. He is begging for it and I want him to have it. I think he'd fuck me for hours and enjoy using sex toys, and we'd both be completely free to do as we pleased as we'd never see each other again.

I'd fuck his face, his tongue, his fingers, the dildo and then his cock.

My pussy is throbbing just thinking about it.

Is it completely wrong that he is not my Boyfriend?

Two dreaded words. Credit Crunch.

So we all know the state of the economy and in London, it's hitting hard.

And it's hit me. I've been made redundant. I have between now and Christmas to find myself a new job.

All I keep hearing is: "Don't worry, you've got loads of time to get a job"... but actually it's just 4 weeks, I need to get myself going, getting my CV to every recruitment agency in town and office I know.

So here I am today, sitting on my laptop at home, taken the day off, and I have no idea where to start.

Is there any jobs out there? Will I get a good salary? Will I stay working in London???

Waiting for him to piss me off

... and I think today might be the day as he is meeting his low-life friends this afternoon. Awaiting imminent cunting off.

Lodger's old room

Lodger has left and our house is finally a home.

The room has been stripped down, it will be decorated for Boyfriend's son.

Happiness is slowly building but to be honest, I am waiting for Boyf to spoil it with some stupid drunken antics or acting like a twat.

Watch this space.

Organisation

I need more of it in my life.

My house needs to be filed away into chronological order, my handbag and diaries have been organised.

That's my aim this weekend. No more hunting around for lost keys.

Domestic bliss.

Aim: To become a housewife.

So, Friday I was taken out to dinner and drinks by Boyfriend and given mind-blowing oral and fantastic sex. Saturday I visited family and saw all my nieces and nephews, spent a few hours on the beach with Boyfriend and his son, and chilled in the evening. Then yesterday I visited my grandparents, then I done loads at home, cooked an amazing dinner, fed the ducks, cleaned the house from top to bottom.

Then I woke up this morning and realised it was Monday. Depression set in.

Crash and burn

I'm tired, making mistakes, need my bed to just swallow me up, don't want to face the world.

Ross/Brand/Sachs/SatanicSluts Pt. II

PS. I love Russell Brand - and his football blog.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/russellbrand

The cute new born

Tonight is the first night I am going to visit to my new neice, she's 3 days old now. I'm quite nervous about breaking down, but trying to be brave.

I am hoping her cute-ness will overwhelm my nervous-ness.

Ross/Brand/Sachs/SatanicSluts

What a massive publicity stunt. Brand and Ross will get more jobs from elsewhere than the BBC, ratings are up, Sachs unites with Cleese - earning more money, and that fucking wannabe celebrity of a grand-daugher is becoming "famous" and also making money from this "scandal".

Georgina Baillie is simply a fat slag who likes getting her tits out.

Let the Redknapp Revolution continue

Lodger gone.

Glory glory Halleluiah! Moving out on Saturday. At last some peace and quiet.

When will the Harry Honeymoon end?

Don't piss me off

You push in front of me to get on the tube, the only way I could get on a train which was running on a delayed service was to move you out of my way and squeeze in. You then bash me with your bag, right in my shin. My anger levels are increasing rapidly.

You're only going ONE FUCKING STOP. What happened to your legs?

I hope I ruined your day with my outburst as you got off. Cunt.

Sexy tats

New tattoo is lush, it's my third and was least painful. It's a small pink love heart on my outer wrist. Looks cute and cool!

Babies and stray dogs

So weekend was good, until Boyfriend was drunk on Saturday night and sent me a weird text (I was also out drunk as well), basically showing his insecurities! But then I ask him what it was all about on Sunday and he just dismisses it. Normal bloke, doesn't reveal emotions. Had a nice day yesterday with him (apart from the below) and we had good sex woop. Lasted for about 2 hours so I was well happy!!!

Anyway Sunday morning I was rudely awoken by our lodger who had been on an all-nighter and bought home a stray dog. Needless to say, I was annoyed. Well actually annoyed isn't the word, I was fuming.

Oh and the other thing, my brother had his baby this morning. I feel awful. His wife and I fell pregnant at the same time. Now they have a baby and I have stray dogs.

Life's a bitch.

Horny as f**k

I have had sex twice in the past week. It's ridiculous. I suppose I am partly to blame because I have been out on the town... but this morning, I woke up to find my Boyfriend's hand in my knickers.

I was pretty tight because he hadn't fucked me in a while and I had mind-blowing, doggie-style sex.

Needless to say, I went to work with a big grin on my face and a damp pair of pants.

Two nights without Boyfriend....

... and I feel refreshed. We have his son staying over tonight so I can kiss goodbye to any quality time. Oh, it's all fun and games.

Tomorrow. Sunbed, new tattoo, party!

Flares, fights and flesh

What an atmosphere in the Park Lane end. They set off flares, fought with riot police and then a few thousand of them decided to take their tops off, never seen so much flesh.

What a result as well. Bent hatrick and huddlestone super-strike. Loving it right now.

Footnote - Note my change of mood when Spurs win.

"I never see you now"

Since the latest nights in on my own, waiting for his imminent return, I've decided I need to get out more. I went out Wednesday night for Al Green and last night for the Spurs game and he seemed to appreciate my company when I got in, and wants to spend the weekend with me. I am out again Saturday night as well.

May be my starsign was right: "keep away from the problem and it will soon resolve itself."

Al Green - what a man!

Last night was brilliant. Spent the night sitting next to the stage where an amazing Al Green performance made me happy.

I am tired today, out again tonight to watch the Spurs game so will be even more tired tomorrow.

Him

He met me after work last night, we went to an art exhibition together, then for drinks and to the cinema. It was really nice, even though I was still upset from earlier in the day.

I've realised that I just haven't been the same person since the miscarriage and he has just been fuelling my insecurities, so I told him that.

Awaiting his next move.

Email snap shot

"Are you sure it’s Peter Stringfellow? I know there’s a lookie likey that I’ve seen a couple of times – sort of a cheaper tackier version if that’s possible – strolling up and down this road . . . "

I love AR. She sent me this today after Boyfriend phoned to say he had met Peter Stringfellow.

Cracking.

Don't cry over spilt milk.

Well actually it was steak. I started crying in Gordon Ramsey's restaurant. What a fool.

He's finally admitted he's in the wrong, but we will see how tonight goes.

The other City Girl said...

"Trust me you don't need a Boyfriend that treats you like that, he might take you to the nice places but at the end of the day he doesn't come home to you and leaves you on your own, come on, he isn't a good boyfriend to do that to you, is he?"

Can't be bothered

I'm off to lunch shortly. I am now so low that I can't be bothered to question him. Letting it slide again.

The Ex... Pt II.

Got locked in conversation with him today, don't know how. He has split up with his girlfriend so he is obviously looking for a bit of attention.

Reasonable behaviour?

Following on from yesterday's few rants.

I didn't see Boyfriend last night. He told me he was going to meet from work and come home with me then decided he was going out to watch the football (clearly these were his intentions from the beginning), he then rolled in at 3 a.m. woke me up.

Feeling very frosty today but he is treating me at lunch time so I can question him then.

Why are men so fucking difficult????????

Exciting week

Today - Lunch at Gordon Ramsey's restaurant.
Tomorrow - Al Green.
Thursday - Spurs match.
Friday - Partying after work.
Saturday - Get tattoo and out again on Saturday night.
Sunday - recover.

Zagreb

I'm going to this game with my dad. But so is Boyfriend with his mates. I am not offering him a lift home from London. He will get in at about 3 a.m. out of his face. Standard behaviour / Am I worrying for nothing - OR - Wreckless behaviour / right to be pissed off. I know boys will be boys but this "boy" can't resist a bit of peer pressure.

Anyway, forget that. I've missed the last two games because of him and I've had to give up my season ticket. Both games that we've won. I'm hoping the strong performances and confidence keeps up and we smash Zagreb. Will be interesting to see Modric's performation as it's his old club.

COYS.

The phone rings

09.20 Text sent.

16:28 Phone call received in response.

"Hello?"

"Hi babe"

"Oh, hi, and it's about time too..."

Fuck you.

You can probably tell that I'm a bit pissed off today. Why hasn't he fucking text me all day? Oh he's been out with his loser mate down the golfing range. This is only a problem because of the company he keeps I suppose. Losers, coke heads, womanisers. You name it.

He has his good points - but just not today.

Don't do this, don't do that.

You wonder why I nag. It's because you've let me down so many times in the past. Every time you go out I think you're going to come back out of your face on drugs or won't even come home at all. How do you think that makes me feel??? You don't realise you're own faults so someone has to point them out. I've heard you slagging me off. I've seen and heard your lies. Just stop acting like a mug and realise what you've got. Dickhead.

What to do.......

.... with my life!!

1. Get more motivated.
2. Start jogging/cycling more - even though it's bloody freezing.
3. Start up a part time course.
4. Work harder in the office, work later and better than everyone else. More dedication required to beat the credit crunch blues.
5. Save more money.
6. Do more housework.
7. Use contraception

CANT. STOP. BLOGGING.

Withholding Sex Pt. II.

Let's just say it works.

Women want to be her, men want to sleep with her.

That's who I want to be.

The text

"Just to let you know,i know i am not the easiest person in the world to live with,but i do care about you and i do think about you all the time although sometimes it may not look like it.I love you.x."

L.I.P ... G.L.O.S.S

... is seriously sexy.

4-4... what a score.

David Bentley is my new love interest.

Spurs

All change in management style, but I have a new lease of hope. Let's hope Harry sorts it out. If he's no good then we are in serious trouble.

We are playing Arsenal tomorrow. Praying for at least a point, we will see...

OVERLOAD!

I have so much going on at the moment and I feel like I'm getting overloaded and I feel really stressed and run down.

I have a water infection so I'm feeling sorry for myself, my grandparents are very ill - one with no mobility and one with lung cancer, it's the anniversary of my nan's death so I need to visit her grave, I feel guilty about being ill because I have done no housework over the past week, I have no time in the evenings to do anything, I am run down so I just want to go to bed when I get home, my days are too long, work is stressing me out as they are making redundancies, my boss is a wanker, I need new clothes but have no money until pay day, my ex's have annoyed me by trying to get in touch, sex is a no-go because I am poorly so I am pretty frustrated, my boyfriend's son's mother is a cunt and I hate the fact that she has so much impact on my boyfriend's life.

There, rant over.

The Ex...

... emailed me yesterday compltely out of the blue. He wanted to know how I was. He has absolutely no reason to email me so I imagine he is trying to strike up conversation. We've been split up since July 2007 but were with each other for nearly 5 years. What does he want? Needless to say, I have not replied... but the email is still sitting in my inbox.

Satisfaction

I want my vibrator. I will sneak it in the bathroom with me whilst I read my erotic book, in my steaming bubble bath, I'll close my eyes and think about getting fucked. Then if I'm not fully satisfied I will want you.

Domestic bliss..... REALLY???

After reviewing my blog about my weekend of 'domestic bliss', I've realised that even though I was relaxed on Monday, I feel pretty up tight today. I feel depressed about my grandad and my boyfriend's behaviour is just fueling my insecurities. I am trying to feel normal but I feel pretty low and I suppose what I need is my boyfriend to tell me (without me asking him to) that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. Is that too much to ask?

He has said some nice things over the weekend, so I suppose I am just being too demanding.

I'm confused.

More domestic bliss

I had a brilliant weekend, well after Friday night when my drunk Boyfriend decided to wander off when we were supposed to be attending a party together so I had to track him down and drag his sorry arse home. I was rather distressed at the whole situation but soon sorted it out. Confessed a few home truths to my sister-in-law about our relationship but he apologised and hopefully it won't happen again. He's out with his mates on Thursday night, there's no chance he will be sober, so let's see what his behaviour is like. Men!!!

Anyway.... Saturday and Sunday were spent with my family, and my boyfriend and his son. I visited my grandparents who are both ill at the moment. Grandad has been diagnosed with lung cancer and my nan is in hospital with a suspected broken hip but she is very weak and quite drowsy most days.

The house is absolutely gleaming as I spent all weekend cleaning. Although the honours of cleaning out the duck house went to Boyfriend.

All in all, a nice weekend - even though after writing I realise that visiting grandparents, having a steaming row with my fella on Friday night and watching Spurs lose again were all quite depressing.

Mrs Muscle... loves the jobs you hate

I'm a 5'6" slender female and last night I was moving heavy furniture about on my own.....

Domestic goddess or what!!!!!!!!

Lazy Sunday

• Woke up, kissed Boyfriend before he left for work.
• Collected car from town as had been out the night before. Yes, I went out in my pjs.
• Filled up the car with diesel, washed it, hoovered it out, and drove home.
• Washing up, re-organised the kitchen, mopped the floor,
• Fed and washed the ducks, cleaned out their little house. So much poo.
• Re-organised CD collection and general tidying up in living room and dining room. Hoover. Wash clothes.
• Boyfriend home from work, ran him a bath and made him lunch.
• Had sex.
• Read the local paper with feet up.
• Watched the Simpsons.
• Started cooking dinner - prawn and chicken paella.
• Had sex, oral was amazing.
• Had relaxing bath.
• Lit the wood burning stove.
• Watched more TV in Boyfriend's arms.
• Had more sex.
• Fell asleep.

Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit

I love my vibrator, it has 7 different vibration types and 3 speeds. Amazing. Orgasmic. Wet.

Miscarriage

After 6 months, I think I'm finally over it. I am not totally back to normal, it has given me severe insecurities - which I think annoy Boyfriend quite a lot - but I do feel that my emotional stability is back. I go through phases where one minute I hate myself, the next I think Boyfriend hates me. Sounds a mess, but you should have seen me 6 months ago, I was a weak frail little girl. I am nearly through it and just want normality. Insecurity is stopping me though. Wish I knew how to feel more confident in myself. I blame the bastards who broke my heart before Boyfriend. I am lucky to have him, he has done wonders for me.

When I was pregnant, I felt so sexy and alive. Then my whole world deflated around me when I found that my baby had no heartbeat and had to be removed from me. I underwent surgery and the next day I was in so much pain. I am sad that it wasn't meant to be. I can't wait to be a wife and a mother. I just think my heart has been broken too many times and I am taking things slowly now, don't want to get hurt.

Withholding sex/bjs etc....

I heard today, from a close friend, that when her Boyfriend is playing up she will withhold sex so that she has power over him in order for him to start behaving or see her point of view.

Does this work? Is it wrong?

I don't really like the idea, but I do love manipulation so we will see what happens when Boyfriend pisses me off next, which I have no doubt won't be long.

To be continued.................

Quote of the day...

Quote of the day...: "Do you think it is a criminal offence to spank a rickshaw driver?"

How I feel today

Tired. Depressed. Cynical. Unsociable. Ugly. Dirty. The Walking Dead.

I think therefore I am.

I've just looked at the labels of my posts and realised that basically I think like a man. Football and sex.

The ride of your life

Does anyone else find the tube in London slightly arousing? Particularly when you are exchanging eye contact with a hot girl/guy?

Today's shopping list

• Lingerie so sexy that I can seduce without touch
• Black cute beanie hat I can hide under when it's raining
• Some sexy winter shoes with at least a 3 inch heel
• Dark red nail varnish

7Ps

Passion: I live every day with passion, I am a fiery girl so passion comes with the territory.

Purpose: To provide happiness to every one I love.

Pursuit: Eternal happiness and the need to feel constantly wanted.

Position: Doggie but with my head resting on the pillow so everything is on full display.

Pummelling: I love a bit of it.

Progress: Still working on that one.

Personality: Fiery, determined, self-conscious, needy but loving.

Now, your turn.

City Girl "Does" Porn

I wonder how many woman watch porn on a regular basis? I've bought my first porn DVD, it's quite soft but does the trick. It's generally thought of to be a male trait, secretly watching porn with a sock and some tissues... but now there is much more available on the market which is aimed at women.

Most women don't talk about anal, let alone mention the fact that they like it. We don't talk about porn, we don't talk about vibrators (even though nearly every woman I know has one!) so why are we so quiet?

Today I'm going to talk vibrators. I had a pocket vibrator which was good but it's stopped working, I've got my money's worth out of it ;) It's slimline girth and length but did the job. So I've started looking for a replacement. I've seen 6 Rabbits available and I love the look of them all. I have placed an order and am looking forward to it's test drive.

Many girlfriends feel that porn is like their boyfriends cheating on them. What would a boyfriend think if he caught his girlfriend playing with herself watching porn? He'd love it, and probably join in.

Come on girls. Speak up!

Sex... continued

Following on from last week's orgasmic week, I can safely say that this weekend was a bit of a let down. Saturday he was too tired and yesterday he insisted we have a bath and get in bed first.

WTF.

He made up for it by waking me up at 2 a.m. last night and again this morning. But really, too tired? Oldest trick in the book.

That's entertainment!!!

Ok, here's my claim to fame. This morning as I was arriving late to work, I was stunned to see Paul Weller walking towards me, he then proceeded to chat me up. Wooooooooooop. Yes, little me, getting compliments from a celebrity. What a confidence boost. You may think he's getting on a bit now but I liked him anyway and he is much better looking in the flesh.

Oh, and definitely staying a brilliant brunette now - only because PW likes it.

Ok.....

....... now I'm just going on about it. I can't stop. I've read some really interesting posts today. One was about how women love anal sex, but won't admit it. The other was about how a man could convince his girlfriend on how to have a threesome. Found them all very interesting, and the last quite manipulative - which is why I like it. Everyone loves a bit of manipulation, don't they?

Today's email snap-shot

From: Friend at Work
To: City Girl
Subject: RE:
Don’t be wicked – may the Lord strike you down in your Gucci heels next time you are trying to run in them haha!
_____________________________________________
From: City Girl
To: Friend at Work
Subject: RE:

Oh yeah I think I read that in a mag not long ago.
Us beautiful people should not be subjected to having to look at these strange people though. They should be locked away in a dark room somewhere.
_____________________________________________
From: Friend at Work
To: City Girl
Subject: RE:

I cooked when I got in, from more shopping after work, then I watched a programme about a woman with giant legs in the Extraordinary People series – it was so distressing! She’s really really skinny – I think she weighed 20kg – 15kg being her legs alone!
x
_____________________________________________
From: City Girl
To: Friend at Work
Subject:

Last night, after my storm down the road, I RAN down to the tube and thankfully made my train - phew. Running in those heels was a good workout for my thighs, even if I did look stupid.
How was your evening? We had dinner then watched Katie & Peter. Love that show. x

Hellooooooooooo?

Is anyone reading this?

The Horn Pt. III

It still hasn't disappeared. Boyfriend came home relatively early last night, and he beat the night before in terms of performance and the end result was phenomenal!!! I even partook in some action without Boyfriend.

How on earth am I going to get rid of this? I don't want to get to Pt. IV. Is this a healthy obsession?

The Horn Pt II.

Following on from yesterday's post, by the time I got home at 8 p.m., the horn I had during the day was now raging. I undressed on the train home (obviously without prying eyes) and was wearing my lacy set of black underwear underneath my trench coat and I had nipped it in at the waist so I looked pretty damn sexy with just a coat and a pair of heels, running out of the train station in the rain, and I felt sexy too.

Boyfriend was waiting for me at the station and I jumped in the car. He immediately put his hands all over me and discovered the lack of clothes underneath my coat.

Needless to say, after a hot steamy 30 minutes in the car, I finally got home. I had a lovely evening and was really satisfied.

The problem being - this morning, I woke up in the same predicament as yesterday. Boyfriend is out tonight so I'm going to have to be a good girl and wait. Or play alone.

Tick tock........

The Horn

I have a bad case of the horn today. I had amazing sex last night and can't stop thinking about repeating it tonight. But now I'm sitting at my desk at work, and the only thing on my mind is having sex. I can't get the picture out of my head.

So I've sent Boyfriend a dirty message, hoping for a reply so I can get myself off -sex Sex SEX!!!

Car crash

I guess you are wondering the main reasons I write my thoughts down. Well, type them. I've been through a lot in the last 6 months and find writing helps me clear out my brain of the million thoughts that buzz around all at once. I feel like I've been driving around at 100 mph for a long time and I've just crashed into a brick wall. My ferrari is wrecked.

It doesn't seem very real when I write these problems down, but here are my list of woes.

1. Loss of two unborn babies since April. No longer trying.
2. Lack of communication with Boyfriend. Trying to fix.
3. Grandad diagnosed with lung cancer. Biopsy next week.
4. Severe insecurities.

Well there you go. I think I'm going to write about each of these in a seperate blog, once I've figures out what I'm going to say. But for today, I'll write about number 2.

It's been building for weeks, has not been the same since number 1 happened in April. I lost our baby through miscarriage and had to undergo an operation at the hospital, that same day I had planned to move into his house as we were living apart and thought since I was pregnant, it was a good idea to get settled together before the baby came. But, obviously, it hasn't worked out like that. I fell pregnant two months later and lost that one too. Decided to leave it until we were settled, emotionally and financially and concentrate on our careers and save up for a house together. At the moment, I live in his house. I feel (even though this may sound harsh) that we are living under forced committment. If I had not have fallen pregnant then we would definitely not be living together. Most of our arguments consist of me not doing enough housework and him not paying me enough attention. It all came to rear it's ugly head again last night.

We were arguing at 2 a.m.. We were tired. Talked things through and fell asleep in his arms. Woke up and left him with a kiss but no conversation as I left the house much earlier for work than him this morning. I want to get home and see him tonight, and just enjoy his company.

I feel emotional, unworthy, tired, and unappreciated. But I do love him.

That was bleak. See, I told you I had mood swings.

Spurs

Ok, after 2 days I am ready to talk. After Spurs' dismal performance (needless to say) I was in a bad mood, but to go home and be in bed by midnight (I had to be up at 6!) and then to be woken up by 'Boyfriend' who rolled in at 3 a.m. - after being at the game - waking me up, drunk, and chatting rubbish, I was not impressed.

So this Thursday we're playing in Europe against Wisla Krakow and Boyf is going, but I am not. I am expecting some more annoying behaviour. I am pleased however to have the house to myself and have my sisters over for dinner.

I will be going to the home game this Sunday though. Wigan. Please god, bless us with 3 points. The hanging rope is looking more and more tempting.

Up the spurs.

Meeeeeeeeeee

I am interested to note how my mood swings on this blog. From one minute being incredibly happy and the next feeling the opposite.

Right now - on the scale - with 1 feeling like one of Amy Winehouse's trips, and 10 feeling like Will Self on a come down - I feel like a.............................. 3, which, I'd say, is equivalent to the feeling Victoria Beckham gets when she buys yet another pair of Christian LaBoutin shoes.

Car Problems? What car problems?

So, I get to the train station this morning in a rush as usual, and realise I've forgotten my season ticket so I go back home, and obviously I've missed the train by this point. I'm driving like a zombie, so tired zzzzzzzzzzz, then think I'll just take the morning off. Now which excuse is best - train was cancelled, pp (period pains for those that don't take advantage of being a woman!) or car problems. I opt for car problems. The office think I am waiting for the AA but in fact I am rolling around with my boyfriend under the duvet for a good 30 minutes, get up, feed the ducks, have breakfast, have a shower and get ready. It's now 10:30. Time to finally make a move. I get to work and blame the problem on the alternator and make up some fictitious story about how the car conked out, blah blah, called the AA, blah etc and got a later train into work. I got in this afternoon at 12:45 feeling relaxed and refreshed.

Wish I could do this every day.

You shall go to the ball

Is it really so wrong for a girl to want to be treated like a princess? Ok I don't need a foot massage, or for him to do the cooking every night, but what I do want is for him to show a bit more affection, rather than a text message saying 'what do you want for dinner?'. Give me attention god damn it.

Well, clearly as my last post points out - I am an attention whore.

I want the world...

Ok, I've just had this youtube clip sent to me from my sister. She says there is an uncanny likeness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU7nG3KvZDA

Enjoy. I certainly did.

Nightmare on Elm... ahem - Wall Street.

With Wall Street's big banks filing for bankrupcy and being taken over, it makes me think... I work in a small firm in the Corporate sector, close to the City but who really knows that their job is safe? With the credit crunch and firms being tighter than ever, how do you obtain job security?

I'm starting by pulling my socks up. I need to convince these hot shots that I am a valuable member of staff that cannot be replaced. I'm going to ask for extra training, work late etc - basically be an office bod. Those pictures of the Lehman Brothers staff carrying boxes from their office was pretty disturbing really.

However, whilst I'm working my arse off to earn my wages and make a good PA. Do I really want to work for a middle-aged, balding, slightly eccentric man who barks orders at me all day, and shouts at me when he loses something or his computer crashes etc?

Do I want to be brave and jump in at the deep end with a business idea of my own??

Blogging about blogging...

Writing can say a lot about how you are feeling at the time, especially if you write off-the-cuff - which I do all of the time - and I don't think too much about it. I started writing my thoughts down in May this year after I went through a tough experience and I've found it very therapeutic. So I thought I would start blogging, and publish my inner most secret thoughts and opinions, see if anyone agrees with me or if I'm any good at writing at all. I'd like to see if I could get some kind of small fan base or not!! I've got so much to talk about. Today though, my thoughts turn to football... I'm going to the Spurs v Villa game tonight, straight from work. I'm a Park Lane season ticket holder and thought I'd write you something from a girl's point of view. I missed the Sunderland game so this is my first home league game of the season, I came up to the Roma friendly, we looked really good then, we didn't look like we had the usual pre-season problems after bringing in a lot of new players, we looked settled and up for it. We had a lot of hard workers that day - and a 5-0 win wasn't bad either. But now with the departure of our two (of the most unloyal) strikers and a few more new faces, I can't wait to see the new look. We've started poorly (again) – and in my opinion it's pretty much down to the transfer window closing after the season started. Berbatov unsettled us a lot. Ramos moaned a bit about this, but we were still late in buying a few players and missed out. I'm hoping now all the dust has settled, we'll start playing proper football. Zakora playing in defence was never going to work and now the team bus is full.... well I am keeping my fingers crossed, we'll do well tonight. Although I have a sneaking suspicion it could be a bore draw. It's the same old stuff with Spurs fans: "This'll be our year" repeats over and over in our heads. So: a typical girl's worries when going to a football match consist of: my 30 min tube ride, 10 min bus ride and a 15 min walk after the game, including the hike up the steps into the ground and jumping around for 90 minutes. All in kitten heels, oops. I'm going to enjoy the beautiful game, wearing beautiful shoes. COYS.