Car crash

I guess you are wondering the main reasons I write my thoughts down. Well, type them. I've been through a lot in the last 6 months and find writing helps me clear out my brain of the million thoughts that buzz around all at once. I feel like I've been driving around at 100 mph for a long time and I've just crashed into a brick wall. My ferrari is wrecked.

It doesn't seem very real when I write these problems down, but here are my list of woes.

1. Loss of two unborn babies since April. No longer trying.
2. Lack of communication with Boyfriend. Trying to fix.
3. Grandad diagnosed with lung cancer. Biopsy next week.
4. Severe insecurities.

Well there you go. I think I'm going to write about each of these in a seperate blog, once I've figures out what I'm going to say. But for today, I'll write about number 2.

It's been building for weeks, has not been the same since number 1 happened in April. I lost our baby through miscarriage and had to undergo an operation at the hospital, that same day I had planned to move into his house as we were living apart and thought since I was pregnant, it was a good idea to get settled together before the baby came. But, obviously, it hasn't worked out like that. I fell pregnant two months later and lost that one too. Decided to leave it until we were settled, emotionally and financially and concentrate on our careers and save up for a house together. At the moment, I live in his house. I feel (even though this may sound harsh) that we are living under forced committment. If I had not have fallen pregnant then we would definitely not be living together. Most of our arguments consist of me not doing enough housework and him not paying me enough attention. It all came to rear it's ugly head again last night.

We were arguing at 2 a.m.. We were tired. Talked things through and fell asleep in his arms. Woke up and left him with a kiss but no conversation as I left the house much earlier for work than him this morning. I want to get home and see him tonight, and just enjoy his company.

I feel emotional, unworthy, tired, and unappreciated. But I do love him.

That was bleak. See, I told you I had mood swings.